“One thing this job has taught me over the years: Don’t eat the f*cking candy.”
— Hansel (Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters)

Sometime before he shot the then-hotly-anticipated Bourne Legacy and future blockbuster Avengers, Jeremy Renner did Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. It’s coming out later this month. And it looks terrible.

HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS

“I signed on to this because it was my first chance to be the lead of a big Hollywood movie. But I think I just realized this script is stupid. Is there any way I can get out of this contract?”
“Hmmm. No.”

Sadly, I may have to watch it. Or do I? Yes, I cannot resist JRen in black leather. And his pretty blue eyes almost — ALMOST — distracted me from cringing while I watched the trailers. However, as my friend Sheila says, by watching our favorite actors’ bad movies, we are only enabling them to make bad career choices.

And almost as though Hollywood wants to mock me even harder, Famke Janssen shows up.

(I hate you, Hollywood.)

Look, it’s already been established that all those “witches” people had been hunting down and burning for centuries were really just women who lived alone, and were maybe a little odd. Some of them may have even just shunned society because of its prevailing mandate that women should live to serve their husbands. Or just didn’t feel like going to Church together with the rest of the community. Hipsters, in other words.

{Read the full post at A Girl’s Guide to the Apocalypse.}

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